Coach Adam's Communication Tips

Contrasting

When we listen, we do more than hearing words. We interpret messages using nonverbal communication, intuition, observations and context. By using this additional information, we are able to have a deeper understanding of a message, or read between the lines. Sometimes the message may be misconstrued due to other factors (insecurity, signal misunderstandings, defensiveness, etc.). In these situations, the person sending the message can contrast to prevent misinterpretations or clear them up.

Contrasting is clarifying what the communicator is not saying. People can only interpret communication to an extent, and sometimes it becomes the speaker's task to let the other person know exactly what is not being implied. During a heated discussion, debate or argument, temperatures rise and emotions can easily come into play. When this happens, people have a tendency to make their own assumptions about what is being said. These assumptions can be made in other situations as well, regardless of emotion.

In order to know when to contrast, you must observe the other person's behavior and how they communicate. Unprovoked defensiveness, withdrawal, disagreement or similar social cues in response to your message may be a red flag. Think about what you have said, how it may cause that particular response, then communicate that you are not suggesting that.

This communication skill is one that may not seem like a necessity, therefore a hassle to put into use. However it is a skill that makes communication and social situations easier, and like any other communication skill it takes consistent application and practice.

Interruptions

Interruptions can be annoying and frustrating.  They may not always be intentional, but can be irritating regardless.  Why do we interrupt?  We interject for a number of reasons.   One may be that we are not listening.  Instead of listening, many people are waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.  What they have to say is not as important as what we have to say and not worth listening to, so we cut them off. 

Another cause of this behavior is we think we know what they are going to say, so we decide to finish the thought for them, or disagree before they can finish.  Sometimes our intentions are not as inconsiderate.  We may interrupt because we get excited about something we want to include in the conversation and feel it cannot wait.  Whatever the reason, an interruption sends the message that we do not care about what the other person is saying and our opinion matters most.  Constantly sending this message is an easy way to kill a conversation.

There are ways to prevent this kind of behavior.  The key is truly listening.  If you are focused on what the other person is saying, you are less likely to interrupt because you are not thinking about what you have to say, you are thinking about what they are saying.  You will have more information to make your statement, or the question you would have interrupted with may be answered.  No one can read minds; you have no way of knowing what a person is going to say.  You may have a good idea, but it is no excuse for rude behavior.  You may meet someone who you may need to interrupt because they stray from the point, or take a bit too long to reach a point.  In this case, you can make a polite inquiry about their point.  Next time you feel an outburst, take a breath, be patient, and know that you will get your time to speak.

Don't Push It

Opinions spark debates and generate new ideas.   When pushed too hard, they can create controversy and cause unnecessary conflict.  Opinions should be used appropriately, and seen for what they are, OPINIONS. 

People tend to get so involved in their ideas, they believe that their view is the only valid one.  The truth is if someone’s point of view is in fact correct, it does not mean another person’s view is incorrect.  Opinions are not facts, although some people state them as if they are.  They are your personal beliefs, based on your knowledge and experience.  They have lot of leg room for interpretation and other viewpoints. 

When stating your position, do not be surprised to hear opposing views.  Someone with a different set of experiences and knowledge can easily disagree.  In this case, it is important to listen and be open to other ideas.  Another person can bring new information that may strengthen your argument.  On the contrary, if your argument is disproven, do not take it personally.  If you feel strongly about an issue, have evidence to support it, and speak honestly, someone with more information does not make you less of a person.   The person who refuses to be open to other ideas, and continues to defend their view once it has been proven false is the one who ends up looking inept.  The person who does not take personal offense and realizes their character is not affected by this is the bigger person.

Evidence is always essential, the more you have, the stronger your opinion.  “I read somewhere”, or “He or she said” alright in discussion, but hard to defend and debate, as it is not a verifiable statement.  This does not mean you cannot say it, just be prepared to be challenged.

Be careful about how you speak when you make your statement.  Your tone, your words, and your body language all have an effect.  Our opinions are personal judgments, they are influenced by our feelings and passions.   If we are particularly passionate about something, we may lose a bit of control over own behavior.  Our volume raises, we become more animated, and we do not think about the words we use.  This can be a detriment to our credibility.  Think about what you are going to say, and remain calm.  People are more likely to be open to your ideas if they do not feel threatened.  In addition, be aware of who you are talking to.  People can take offense to controversial views, and the wrong framing can ruin a discussion.

Properly used, an opinion can open up new discussions and can be an effective tool for expression.  They are valuable in brainstorming sessions, and can define someone’s individuality.  However, if you assert without being open to others, others will not be open to you.

Stay Aware

Whether you are in a business meeting, job interview, date, or just having coffee with an acquaintance, maintaining your awareness can be very useful when having a conversation.  We often get swept up in our own thoughts, passions, and opinions and forget that we are speaking to someone else who has something to contribute.  This results in missing social cues from our conversation partner and alienating them from the conversation.   Maintaining awareness means observing the behavior of others and staying aware of your own behavior and words.   If this is something you have not done before, it can be difficult at first, but like anything else gets it easier with practice.

When you are talking, observe the person you are talking to.  Are they leaning in and listening intently, or are there eyes glazed over in boredom?  Are they looking you in the eye, or looking at their watch and everything except you?  Listen to their tone of voice and manner of speaking.  Are they using an unusually sarcastic tone?  Do they seem frustrated for no apparent reason? These may be very obvious signs and distinctions, but sometimes we miss them due to the passion we have in the topic we are discussing.  Look for any social cues, things that this person would not normally do, signs of feeling uncomfortable, or responses that do not match the tone of the conversation.  These examples are not hard rules, there are often other factors in play (they are having a bad day, they have someplace they need to be, they did not sleep last night, etc.).  It is important to keep this in mind.  Even you may not know what is causing the behavior, you must observe your own actions to determine whether your actions are playing a role.

 

 At this point, we must observe ourselves and the situation.   We must think about what we have been saying and whether we have allowed them to participate in the conversation.  Is this a subject that they can talk about?  Have we given them a chance to talk?  Do not just talk to someone, invite them into the discussion.  Ask questions, and listen, allow them to give their opinion.  Think about how long you have been talking for.  A conversation is not a lecture, it takes more than one person.  It is alright to talk about your favorite movie of all time, but if someone else has not seen it, they may not be as enthusiastic about hearing a scene by scene description.   A simple way of keeping this mindset during a conversation is remembering the 50/50 rule.  Roughly, each person should be speaking half of the time.   Listen to your own tone of voice.   Stay aware of your volume.  When we have strong feelings behind an opinion, we have the tendency to lose our self awareness and increase our volume.  If you are in a public setting, it is not only irritating to your conversation partner, but can be irritating to others. 

 

The person you are talking to may not be skilled in dialogue, and their behavior may just be due to their lack of interpersonal skills.  If you know you are being socially appropriate, and their actions seem to state otherwise, that may be the reason.  When being aware, you must use all the information and apply it to the situation.  Their actions, your actions, the environment, background information on the person you are speaking with, and the conversation itself.  

Slow Down!

We live fast paced lifestyles, plagued with endless tasks, and hardly enough time to finish them and get a good night’s sleep.  This mentality has crossed over to our speaking styles.   How often are you asked to repeat something because you were mumbling or speaking too fast?  We speak quickly without thinking, attempting to process our jumbled thoughts without much success.  At first it may seem easier to spit words out as rapidly as possible and think later.  However, taking your time when speaking has numerous benefits.   Here are some tips that can help you in your next conversation:

-Take a breath before you speak.  It gives you a second to process your thoughts.

-Articulate! Sound out every word.  It may feel strange at first, but the person you are speaking with will understand the message you are sending.

-Literally slow down! Speak slowly, take your time with your words.  You’ll find it easier to process your thoughts while you are talking, creating a clearer message.

By slowing down, you can create a clear message to the person you are talking to.  The listener will understand the message the first time, and you save time because you will not have to repeat yourself!

Communication is not just talking......

In today's workplace, a lot of emphasis is placed on being a well spoken and persuasive speaker.  This is true, however, it is important to pay attention to the other elements of communication.  A lot of what someone is saying is often not said through speech, but through nonverbal communication. It may be easier to just speak and then listen, but if you take the time to really pay attention to who you are speaking with, you can read between the lines of a message, or avoid an awkward situation. 

Some nonverbal communication is easy to spot.  For instance, a handshake, a wave goodbye, or a big bear hug are messages that are easy to understand.  The forms of communication that are a bit more difficult to spot are the involuntary kinds.  These are the methods of communication that we do unintentionally.  They are indicators of how we feel which we express automatically.  They can be a clue to someone else about what lies under their words.

Imagine you are interviewing for your dream job, or presenting a new venture to prospective investors.  You have been talking about yourself or this new great idea you are so excited about, and  you notice your audience tapping their fingers on the table.  That's not a sign of excitement or interest, its a sign of impatience!  If you pay attention to this, you know to stop talking or to wrap it up before you dig yourself into a hole.  If you see them on the edge of their seats, eyes open wide, paying full attention, it means you're on the right track!  Granted, these may be obvious forms, but this kind of communication happens constantly and is very useful.

Noticing more subtle forms can be useful, such as the quiet sigh, clenched fist or folded arms.  There are many different kinds of nonverbal communication, and it does not always mean the same thing. It depends on the person and the situation.  Folded arms can be seen as a security blanket, something to put between you and the other person, or it can just be someplace to put your arms.  It's up to you to decipher.  When done properly, it can be a very useful tool in that next business meeting or cocktail party.

Remember, your mouth is not the only tool used for communication.