Coach Adam's Communication Tips

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

-Ralph Nichols

5 Tips on Giving Effective Feedback

An important element of personal development and improvement is receiving feedback and outside opinions. There are often barriers that we do not see ourselves that need to be identified by someone else. Behavior that may be unproductive and hindering may go completely noticed on our own until it is pointed out by a friend or colleague who sees it and wants to help by sharing. Although feedback can come from the best intentions, many have difficulty receiving it and may take personal offense. However, if you are the one who is giving feedback, there are ways to promote a positive response.

#1 Build Trust
People are more likely to listen to and accept advice if it comes from a trusted source. If you are a good friend, the trust may already been established, but may not be the case in a work relationship. In any situation the person must trust where the feedback is coming from. Let them know why you are sharing this with them, whether it is for their own improvement, safety, or your concern. If the person knows the comments are for their benefit, they will be open to listening, and more likely to accept it.

#2 Contrast
In addition to explaining why you are sharing, it is important to let them know the reasons you are not. We instinctively put up our defenses when feel we are being criticized. Instead of actually listening, many try to determine why they think you are giving them feedback, despite the fact that you may have already told them why. Explain that you are not insulting, criticizing, or passing judgment, because no matter what you say, it may be interpreted that way. By including this clarification, you strengthen the trust.

#3 Focus on Improvements
No one wants to dwell on their own mistakes, and no one wants to hear someone else tell them that they have a problem. It may seem that telling someone about the mistakes they make can help them, but it only helps when they can find value in it. If you concentrate on the positive results the person can expect from taking your advice, they will be more open to your feedback, and will see the worth in taking your advice.

#4 Use Examples
Any opinion is strengthened by evidence. When providing feedback, use examples when possible. Using examples can create trust of the feedback itself. Specific examples of actions and behavior are less deniable, provide a better description of the behavior in question, and will give a starting ground for making improvements.

#5 Give Positive Feedback
Feedback is not just about improvement, it is about what was done well. It should be a way to acknowledge accomplishments. People need self esteem in order to make improvements in their lives, and including true positive feedback can give them that extra boost they need to do so. It should not be diminished in any way by being used in contrast to other feedback. For example, saying "You did very well, but...." lowers the value of the compliment as it seems they did something well but not that well because of something else. Make sure the person feels good about what they did right.

Feedback is most effective when the receiver is open to it. Having trust in a relationship can reduce the difficulty of the task, but an additional trust in the source of the feedback, the reasoning behind it and the feedback itself is needed. For the best results, come from a place that truly benefits the receiver, and communicate that to them.

Communication is not only the essence of being human, but also a vital property of life.

-John A. Piece

6 Ways to Make a Great First Impression

The saying, “You only get one chance to make a first impression” is used often because it is very true.  When meeting someone for the first time, how you act and what you say has a considerable effect on the other person’s view of who you are.  It can set the tone for the rest of the conversation.  If you want to make a good impression in that job interview or date, in addition to being genuine and honest, there are ways to strengthen the impact you have.  Here are a few tips that may help.

#1 Eye Contact

One of the best ways to keep another person’s interest is to show interest in them and what they have to say.  Although we may truly be engrossed in what they have to say, expressing that interest to them can be just as important.  A method for this is eye contact.  This seems easy enough, but can be more difficult for some.  Your attention is focused on them, and not on anything else, and they do not have to question your attention.  If you are looking everything but the other person, it looks like you are interested in anything except the person.  Eye contact asserts confidence to the other person, opposed to looking at the floor, which can come across as insecurity.

#2 Firm Handshake

The handshake is common practice in business, simple, yet effective when used wisely.  It is very simple, do not squeeze too hard, you do not want to inflict pain.  Do not use a limp hand, unless you are expecting them to kiss it. You want to use a strong grip that gets their attention from the start. That’s it.

#3 Use the other person’s name

Have you ever met someone for the first time, and realized halfway through the conversation you cannot remember their name?  You then know you have to go through the embarrassing task of acknowledging you do not know the name of the person you have been talking to for the past half hour.  One trick to avoid this is to say their name back to them immediately after they say it the first time.  After that, throw it into the conversation when possible.  Not only are you more likely to remember it, saying it to them will keep their focus on you, because you are acknowledging them throughout the conversation.

#4 Smile

A smile can have profound effects on a person.  A smile is inviting, warm, and can ease the tension of a first meeting.  It is not necessary to consistently keep a smile on your face the entire conversation, but when used appropriately, displays your openness to the other person.  In addition, it can relieve the other person’s apprehension, making the conversation more pleasurable.  A face devoid of emotion or with an unwavering frown expresses indifference, disagreement, or disinterest.

#5 Speak in Confidence

This tip is in regard to tone, volume, and what you say.  Speaking in a voice that is inaudible or mumbled can be frustrating to others, especially when they need to constantly ask you to repeat yourself.  You can also come off as insecure and unsure of yourself, which is never attractive.  Speak in a volume and tone that is solid, articulate and assertive, but not aggressive.  It is easiest to use this style of speaking when you are sure of yourself and what you want to say.  This does not come from talking for the sake of talking, or talking to impress someone.  You are talking because there is something you need to say that is relevant to the conversation or situation, not just filling empty space with words.

#6 Hold your Head High

Next time you are walking in a public area, look at the people around you, and keep your eyes out for people looking at the ground as they walk.  What impression do you get of them?  Keeping your head down communicates shyness and/or lack of confidence.  This is not how you want to present yourself to a date or prospective employer.  Walking with your head up, and eyes forward looking ahead is another easy method to demonstrate your confidence.  This basic move states you are looking forward, and you know where you are going.

Making a good impression is not about trying to impress someone.  The most important part of meeting someone new, as with any other social situation is you must be yourself.  Do not feign interest, or use false emotion to gain the other person’s interest.  Being genuine is a step in creating a real connection.  These tips should be used to exhibit your confidence interest, and your focus on the other person.  The confidence they sense in that first impression will turn a good impression into a great one.  The expression of interest relieves nerves, and can create an enjoyable experience for both participants.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

-Stephen Covey

Don't Push It

Opinions spark debates and generate new ideas.   When pushed too hard, they can create controversy and cause unnecessary conflict.  Opinions should be used appropriately, and seen for what they are, OPINIONS. 

People tend to get so involved in their ideas, they believe that their view is the only valid one.  The truth is if someone’s point of view is in fact correct, it does not mean another person’s view is incorrect.  Opinions are not facts, although some people state them as if they are.  They are your personal beliefs, based on your knowledge and experience.  They have lot of leg room for interpretation and other viewpoints. 

When stating your position, do not be surprised to hear opposing views.  Someone with a different set of experiences and knowledge can easily disagree.  In this case, it is important to listen and be open to other ideas.  Another person can bring new information that may strengthen your argument.  On the contrary, if your argument is disproven, do not take it personally.  If you feel strongly about an issue, have evidence to support it, and speak honestly, someone with more information does not make you less of a person.   The person who refuses to be open to other ideas, and continues to defend their view once it has been proven false is the one who ends up looking inept.  The person who does not take personal offense and realizes their character is not affected by this is the bigger person.

Evidence is always essential, the more you have, the stronger your opinion.  “I read somewhere”, or “He or she said” alright in discussion, but hard to defend and debate, as it is not a verifiable statement.  This does not mean you cannot say it, just be prepared to be challenged.

Be careful about how you speak when you make your statement.  Your tone, your words, and your body language all have an effect.  Our opinions are personal judgments, they are influenced by our feelings and passions.   If we are particularly passionate about something, we may lose a bit of control over own behavior.  Our volume raises, we become more animated, and we do not think about the words we use.  This can be a detriment to our credibility.  Think about what you are going to say, and remain calm.  People are more likely to be open to your ideas if they do not feel threatened.  In addition, be aware of who you are talking to.  People can take offense to controversial views, and the wrong framing can ruin a discussion.

Properly used, an opinion can open up new discussions and can be an effective tool for expression.  They are valuable in brainstorming sessions, and can define someone’s individuality.  However, if you assert without being open to others, others will not be open to you.

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

-Hubert H. Humphrey

The Do's and Don'ts of Business Meetings

When properly planned and executed, meetings can be an efficient way to share information or solve problems.  When meetings are disorganized, scheduled without reason, too often, or not often enough, they become a waste of time and energy, and are a frustration to everyone.  Meetings can be a very useful tool in an organization’s productivity.  Applied appropriately, it is a great opportunity to increase communication within an organization, and tackle tough issues.   The success of a meeting depends on how it is conducted.  Here are a few things to consider, what to do, and what not to do when scheduling and running a meeting.

Don’t have a meeting if there is no reason to have one.

Do have a meeting if there is a topic to discuss.

Many organizations have meetings on a regular basis (once a week, bi-monthly, etc.), which is alright if there is something to talk about in the meeting.  If a meeting is scheduled, but does not have a point, it ends up wasting time, not only during the meeting, but in the time it takes for everyone to prepare.  If you do have regularly scheduled meetings, and you know that one week is particularly slow and there will be nothing to discuss, cancel it and reconvene when you have an issue that needs attention. 

Don’t include people who aren’t involved in the topic.

Do invite those who have valuable input or need to be involved.

Be careful about who you invite to the meeting.  Review the subject matter and involve anyone who will have important contributions to make, or will need to know about it in the future.  If there are attendees who have no connection with the subject, you are wasting their time.  Additionally, if you are not careful about whom you invite, you may exclude people who may need to be included.  There may be staff members who may not be working on it at the time being, but may need to participate to understand it later on.  If it is a new project, you may want to invite those with more information.  There may be people who are not directly associated with the project, but are more knowledgeable about it.  In this case, they can provide helpful information that others cannot.

Don’t go in unprepared.

Do have an agenda to follow and a basic structure for the meeting.

Every meeting should have a basic plan.  You need to know what needs to be addressed and accomplished during a meeting, and how you are going to go about doing it.  The agenda needs to specify what should be presented in the meeting, and when.  The structure of the meeting is how it is organized.  If this is a meeting where everyone needs to participate, determine the best way to do it (give time for questions, going around the room to each person for feedback, etc.).  If the purpose of the meeting is to brainstorm, think about how you want to generate ideas.  Every meeting needs an agenda and structure, but how each is used will differ based on the meeting.

Don’t assume someone else will run it.

Do have a facilitator.

Once an agenda is set, there must be someone who ensures that it is followed.  A meeting may have one plan, but the attendees have their own agendas, and a meeting can easily go off track when no one is sticking to the plan.  If you cannot facilitate, find someone who will watch the clock, follow the schedule, and keep everyone on track.

Don’t be selfish with the time.

Do respect other schedules.

Meetings are effective when used responsibly.   Schedule enough time to focus on the matter at hand, but do not use time selfishly.  Other members of your team probably have other matters that are just as or maybe more important than the current one, and need time to do their own work.  Furthermore, when meetings are too long, attendees lose interest.  If it becomes clear that you do not have enough time to resolve the issue in the meeting, schedule another one.  The break between the meetings will allow attendees to come back refreshed and open to new information.

Don’t own the meeting.

Do give opportunities for input and discussion in the allotted time.

The topic of the meeting is not the sole purpose.  The purpose is to share this information.  This will not be accomplished if one person is doing all the talking.  Always allow time for feedback, questions, and discussion.  If you do not have these elements, the meeting becomes a lecture.

The most productive meetings are those that have the most thought put into them.  The topic, the attendees, and the structure are all essential components.  With the proper attention, and planning, you can get the most out of your meeting, and the staff members who attend.

Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much.

-Robert Greeleaf

5 Ways to Avoid Awkward Moments When Meeting Someone New

Meeting someone for the first time can be very unnerving, whether it is a business client, a date, or someone who approaches you in at a social function.  Trying to maintain an interesting conversation, remaining composed, and finding common interests can be extremely difficult, and even those highly skilled in social interaction may step into trouble.  Here are a few tips that can help you avoid any uneasiness, or at least keep the awkward moments to a minimum.

#1 Keep it Light

When meeting for the first time, you do not know their background, temperament, or personality.  Until you have a better idea of who they are, keep the conversation light and simple.  You never know what will offend or what subjects are off limits to another individual.  A harmless sarcastic joke to you may be interpreted as an insult by someone else.  This also applies to physical interaction.  Many people are comfortable and open with touching and distance with people in general, however, there are many who are not.  Be respectful of the levels of comfort in others, and be careful how you interact.   If you want to take the conversation to a deeper level, take notice in the way they talk and move.  If their body visibly relaxes, they lean in, or their speaking style seems less restricted, test the waters.  Suggest a deeper, possibly more controversial subject, let them know something personal about you, or give them a friendly pat on the back.  If you see a positive response, continue on.  If you observe unease, take a step back to a lighter subject.

#2 Sharing Too Much Information

If the conversation shifts to a deeper topic, be careful about what information you share.  Although you may be engaged in a discussion of fine wines with a date, they do not necessarily need to know the details of what you did the last time you drank too much.  You may know it was an isolated incident, but your date may see an alcoholic sitting in front of them.  In a business setting, you may want to build a rapport by sharing something personal with others, but be careful with what you share.  An embarrassing story about yourself can be seen as a story about your reckless behavior to someone else.  This tip is not applicable in every situation, sometimes conversations can get very personal without problems.  However, when making a first impression, you need to think about what you are saying, and how well the person knows you.  Giving too much in the beginning can not only give the wrong impression, but can also make the person you are talking with uncomfortable.

#3 Do Not Come on Too Strong

A common mistake in new situations is trying too hard to impress, or moving too fast to create a bond with someone.   It is important to be confident, but not boastful.  We want other people to know how smart, successful, and funny we are, but by talking at length about these traits or accomplishments that demonstrate these qualities, we are only demonstrating our arrogance.  If you are truly confident in these areas, they will show in the conversation. 

If you feel a connection with someone, do not assume that it means friendship.  You may feel secure enough to get closer to your new acquaintance, however your acquaintance may think otherwise.      Do not force a connection.  Like tip #1, observe the other person’s behavior and speech and determine whether they feel that same connection.  Test the waters before jumping in.

#4 Use Your Social Graces

Occasionally the most competent communicators find themselves in awkward situations.  A line is crossed, or a comment is interpreted incorrectly.  When you find yourself in this position, the proper response can save you.   It is easier than it seems when you know how to react.  If you have offended someone, simply apologize, explain you meant no offense, clarify what you meant, and move on.  If the other person can tell your apology is sincere, they should be able to move on too.  If you have suggested a subject they deem inappropriate, apologize if necessary, change the subject,  and let it go.  Do not dwell on it.  If the person does not want to discuss something, most likely they do not want to hear an endless apology on it either.

#5 Have an Exit Strategy

If the tables have turned, and you have been put in an uneasy situation by someone else, or the conversation is not going anywhere, and you find yourself locked in a dreaded silence, find an excuse to leave.  If you are at a party, excuse yourself to get another drink, or tell the other person you need to say hello to a friend you have not gotten a chance to greet yet.  At a networking function, simply thank them for your time.  Make sure the other person knows you appreciate the time they took to speak with you, and if you have a reason for ending the conversation, clarify its validity to the other person.

As mentioned before, none of these tips are set in stone.  Sometimes connections are made instantly, and the bonding can take effect quickly.  The conversation can take a controversial turn that is not outside the comfort level of the participants and can continue without conflict.  The best way to avoid unnecessary awkward moments is by truly taking the other person into consideration.  Knowing that they are unique individuals, and have different responses to other people based on their personality and experiences.  Observe and respect comfort levels, act and speak appropriately based on them, and use common sense.