Coach Adam's Communication Tips

Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much.

-Robert Greeleaf

5 Ways to Avoid Awkward Moments When Meeting Someone New

Meeting someone for the first time can be very unnerving, whether it is a business client, a date, or someone who approaches you in at a social function.  Trying to maintain an interesting conversation, remaining composed, and finding common interests can be extremely difficult, and even those highly skilled in social interaction may step into trouble.  Here are a few tips that can help you avoid any uneasiness, or at least keep the awkward moments to a minimum.

#1 Keep it Light

When meeting for the first time, you do not know their background, temperament, or personality.  Until you have a better idea of who they are, keep the conversation light and simple.  You never know what will offend or what subjects are off limits to another individual.  A harmless sarcastic joke to you may be interpreted as an insult by someone else.  This also applies to physical interaction.  Many people are comfortable and open with touching and distance with people in general, however, there are many who are not.  Be respectful of the levels of comfort in others, and be careful how you interact.   If you want to take the conversation to a deeper level, take notice in the way they talk and move.  If their body visibly relaxes, they lean in, or their speaking style seems less restricted, test the waters.  Suggest a deeper, possibly more controversial subject, let them know something personal about you, or give them a friendly pat on the back.  If you see a positive response, continue on.  If you observe unease, take a step back to a lighter subject.

#2 Sharing Too Much Information

If the conversation shifts to a deeper topic, be careful about what information you share.  Although you may be engaged in a discussion of fine wines with a date, they do not necessarily need to know the details of what you did the last time you drank too much.  You may know it was an isolated incident, but your date may see an alcoholic sitting in front of them.  In a business setting, you may want to build a rapport by sharing something personal with others, but be careful with what you share.  An embarrassing story about yourself can be seen as a story about your reckless behavior to someone else.  This tip is not applicable in every situation, sometimes conversations can get very personal without problems.  However, when making a first impression, you need to think about what you are saying, and how well the person knows you.  Giving too much in the beginning can not only give the wrong impression, but can also make the person you are talking with uncomfortable.

#3 Do Not Come on Too Strong

A common mistake in new situations is trying too hard to impress, or moving too fast to create a bond with someone.   It is important to be confident, but not boastful.  We want other people to know how smart, successful, and funny we are, but by talking at length about these traits or accomplishments that demonstrate these qualities, we are only demonstrating our arrogance.  If you are truly confident in these areas, they will show in the conversation. 

If you feel a connection with someone, do not assume that it means friendship.  You may feel secure enough to get closer to your new acquaintance, however your acquaintance may think otherwise.      Do not force a connection.  Like tip #1, observe the other person’s behavior and speech and determine whether they feel that same connection.  Test the waters before jumping in.

#4 Use Your Social Graces

Occasionally the most competent communicators find themselves in awkward situations.  A line is crossed, or a comment is interpreted incorrectly.  When you find yourself in this position, the proper response can save you.   It is easier than it seems when you know how to react.  If you have offended someone, simply apologize, explain you meant no offense, clarify what you meant, and move on.  If the other person can tell your apology is sincere, they should be able to move on too.  If you have suggested a subject they deem inappropriate, apologize if necessary, change the subject,  and let it go.  Do not dwell on it.  If the person does not want to discuss something, most likely they do not want to hear an endless apology on it either.

#5 Have an Exit Strategy

If the tables have turned, and you have been put in an uneasy situation by someone else, or the conversation is not going anywhere, and you find yourself locked in a dreaded silence, find an excuse to leave.  If you are at a party, excuse yourself to get another drink, or tell the other person you need to say hello to a friend you have not gotten a chance to greet yet.  At a networking function, simply thank them for your time.  Make sure the other person knows you appreciate the time they took to speak with you, and if you have a reason for ending the conversation, clarify its validity to the other person.

As mentioned before, none of these tips are set in stone.  Sometimes connections are made instantly, and the bonding can take effect quickly.  The conversation can take a controversial turn that is not outside the comfort level of the participants and can continue without conflict.  The best way to avoid unnecessary awkward moments is by truly taking the other person into consideration.  Knowing that they are unique individuals, and have different responses to other people based on their personality and experiences.  Observe and respect comfort levels, act and speak appropriately based on them, and use common sense.

"Good communication does not mean that you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn't about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way."

-John Kotter

Stay Aware

Whether you are in a business meeting, job interview, date, or just having coffee with an acquaintance, maintaining your awareness can be very useful when having a conversation.  We often get swept up in our own thoughts, passions, and opinions and forget that we are speaking to someone else who has something to contribute.  This results in missing social cues from our conversation partner and alienating them from the conversation.   Maintaining awareness means observing the behavior of others and staying aware of your own behavior and words.   If this is something you have not done before, it can be difficult at first, but like anything else gets it easier with practice.

When you are talking, observe the person you are talking to.  Are they leaning in and listening intently, or are there eyes glazed over in boredom?  Are they looking you in the eye, or looking at their watch and everything except you?  Listen to their tone of voice and manner of speaking.  Are they using an unusually sarcastic tone?  Do they seem frustrated for no apparent reason? These may be very obvious signs and distinctions, but sometimes we miss them due to the passion we have in the topic we are discussing.  Look for any social cues, things that this person would not normally do, signs of feeling uncomfortable, or responses that do not match the tone of the conversation.  These examples are not hard rules, there are often other factors in play (they are having a bad day, they have someplace they need to be, they did not sleep last night, etc.).  It is important to keep this in mind.  Even you may not know what is causing the behavior, you must observe your own actions to determine whether your actions are playing a role.

 

 At this point, we must observe ourselves and the situation.   We must think about what we have been saying and whether we have allowed them to participate in the conversation.  Is this a subject that they can talk about?  Have we given them a chance to talk?  Do not just talk to someone, invite them into the discussion.  Ask questions, and listen, allow them to give their opinion.  Think about how long you have been talking for.  A conversation is not a lecture, it takes more than one person.  It is alright to talk about your favorite movie of all time, but if someone else has not seen it, they may not be as enthusiastic about hearing a scene by scene description.   A simple way of keeping this mindset during a conversation is remembering the 50/50 rule.  Roughly, each person should be speaking half of the time.   Listen to your own tone of voice.   Stay aware of your volume.  When we have strong feelings behind an opinion, we have the tendency to lose our self awareness and increase our volume.  If you are in a public setting, it is not only irritating to your conversation partner, but can be irritating to others. 

 

The person you are talking to may not be skilled in dialogue, and their behavior may just be due to their lack of interpersonal skills.  If you know you are being socially appropriate, and their actions seem to state otherwise, that may be the reason.  When being aware, you must use all the information and apply it to the situation.  Their actions, your actions, the environment, background information on the person you are speaking with, and the conversation itself.  

"You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere."

-Lee Iaccoca

6 Tips for Dealing with Conflict at Work

Every organization has a staff with a diverse set of personalities, backgrounds and experiences. Conflict is inevitable in organizational settings when people who are extremely different work together on a daily basis. Whether it is a clash of personalities, a misunderstanding, or disagreement in the work itself, there are constructive ways to approach these situations. Conflict is often seen as a negative occurrence, which is not necessarily true. It can be an opportunity to open the door for communication, to learn something new about another individual, or find a more effective way of working. Here are some tips that may help you in the next confrontation.

#1 Do not use verbal aggression
If someone were to physically assault you, your first instinct is to defend yourself. It is no different when being verbally assaulted. If a co-worker accuses or blames you, you instinctively guard yourself from the attack. Retaliation or responding with a verbal attack is common. If you believe you are not at fault, be sure to communicate that without the use of personal attacks or defensiveness. This may be difficult in the moment, especially if you are being accused of something you know is not true, or if you are blatantly insulted. However you are more likely to get the point across if the other person does not feel threatened. Maintain your maturity and professionalism, no matter the outcome, instigation will not help the situation.

#2 Be open
Misunderstandings are often the cause of these conflicts. If a message involves a line of communication involving many people, information can be lost, or messages can be misinterpreted. Be open to the fact that there may be something you do not know, or that the other person may have a point although you may be right. Be open to creating a discussion about fixing the problem, instead of pointing the finger. This is when conflict can be useful. By listening, understanding, and if possible, sympathizing with the other person, the argument can become a discussion. This is an opportunity to create a flow of new ideas, which can not only solve the problem at hand, but prevent future disagreements, and strengthen your work relationship.

#3 Focus on the problem
It is very easy to point the finger or play the blame game when trouble arises. As easy as it is, it is not useful or productive. The main concern is to find a solution to the problem, not to determine who was wrong. If it pertains to the issue it hand, stating who did what may clarify the problem as a whole. If the problem is related to the work itself, keep the conversation focused on exactly what is wrong, and what can be done to fix it. If conversation leans towards accusations, lead it back to a safe space where both parties are focused on ideas. If the problem is regarding the work relationship, do not focus on the person's faults. Talk about what can be done to effectively work together. If you must tell someone you think they are at fault, do not use insults, and explain how it is affecting the work.

#4 Stay cool
In heated situations, we have a tendency to speak first and think after. This results in aggression which aggravate the conflict. Instead, pause before you speak, think about what the person has said to you, and respond appropriately. By giving yourself this time to think, you cool down, and you are less likely to speak with anger. A lot of the time, the other person wants to argue for the sake of arguing. When you stay calm, they will see their tactics are not useful, and will either give up or choose to talk as calmly as you are. You will also be able to come up with a more insightful reply that can lead the argument into a discussion.

#5 Find a common ground
If people have a common ground, working together to reach it can be less troublesome. Determine what you really want, and try to determine what the other person is looking for. Use this information to align your desired outcome with theirs. It is easier to open up to someone and share your true thoughts and ideas, if you know that they want what you want.

#6 Tell a supervisor
If all else fails, telling a manager or supervisor may be the best option. If this is the course you choose, be sure to explain how you tried to fix the problem before approaching them. They want to know you can work independently and at least made an effort. Be sure to show them how the resolution of this conflict will ultimately help them. They do not need to know who was at fault in the situation, but if the work is being affected, and you can prove this, they are going to step in and help change it. Explain the problem clearly, and the benefits for the manager or the company as a whole if the problem is worked out.

Most of the time, when conflict arises, there is no way to avoid it. The result is based on how we approach it. Once you accept that conflict is unavoidable, it no longer is a problem. Instead, it becomes chance to change an inefficiency or strengthen a relationship. By keeping communication open, being aware of the present situation, and not concentrating on winning, coming to a resolution that benefits both parties can be achieved.

"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak."

-Epictetus

Slow Down!

We live fast paced lifestyles, plagued with endless tasks, and hardly enough time to finish them and get a good night’s sleep.  This mentality has crossed over to our speaking styles.   How often are you asked to repeat something because you were mumbling or speaking too fast?  We speak quickly without thinking, attempting to process our jumbled thoughts without much success.  At first it may seem easier to spit words out as rapidly as possible and think later.  However, taking your time when speaking has numerous benefits.   Here are some tips that can help you in your next conversation:

-Take a breath before you speak.  It gives you a second to process your thoughts.

-Articulate! Sound out every word.  It may feel strange at first, but the person you are speaking with will understand the message you are sending.

-Literally slow down! Speak slowly, take your time with your words.  You’ll find it easier to process your thoughts while you are talking, creating a clearer message.

By slowing down, you can create a clear message to the person you are talking to.  The listener will understand the message the first time, and you save time because you will not have to repeat yourself!

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something."

-Plato

5 Tips on Communicating Effectively in a Group

Everyone wants to have a voice, and have their opinions heard and acknowledged.  This can be difficult, due to the fact that everyone wants to have their opinions heard, and a lot of the time, no one wants to listen!  We may find ourselves in a situation with a group of outspoken people and our voice gets drowned out.  So how do we make sure we are heard in that business meeting or the crowded dinner party?  The following are a few tips that can help you in those situations.

#1 Don’t be afraid

If you have a statement to make, do not be afraid to make it! This sounds simple, but people are very quick to assume their opinion holds no value.  If you have a valid outlook, why not share it in a respectable manner?  If everyone in the room is voicing their views, why should you keep yours to yourself?  It may be the viewpoint that adds or builds the conversation.  Be confident in your opinions and in yourself.

#2 Know your stuff

Talking without substance can be very unattractive.   We all have the right to contribute to a group conversation, but it should be something relevant to the conversation, and something that you actually know about.  All it takes is one word used incorrectly, or an untrue statement for you to lose all credibility.  You never know what other people know.   If there is a subject you do not know, there is no need to say anything.  You would make a better impression by staying quiet on the subject, rather than attempting to fake your way through it.  No one wants to hear someone talk about something they know nothing about.

#3 Be Open Minded

In a group of people, you will inevitably find a diverse set of viewpoints.  It is alright to disagree, however it is important to respect other stances.  Be open to listening to that person, and respecting their point of view.  They are more likely to listen to you, if you are willing to listen to them and consider what they have to say is valid. 

#4 Listen

This is a tip that is frequently given when it comes to communication, but often not used.  We get focused on getting in our conversation, we wait to speak instead of following what the group is saying.  If you listen in a group, you will have more to use in the statement you want to make.  With more information, your opinion will be stronger and have more relevance to the conversation.

#5 Share the conversation

Once we are able to get into a group conversation and have the ability to hold everyone’s attention, it is essential to remember it is a GROUP conversation.  No matter how important we think our opinion is, there are other people who have thoughts just as important as yours.  We may feel a sense of power speaking in these situations, but you cannot let it go to your head.  Say your piece, and let someone else speak.   You will have plenty of other opportunities to speak again during the conversation.   People are more likely to give you those opportunities if they know you will not hog the conversation and will give them the same chance to speak that you expect.  

Being heard in a group is not just about speaking up.  It involves understanding and respecting others in the group.  You can talk as much as you want, but if you do not respect others and their opinions, no matter how loud you are, no one will hear you.