Coach Adam's Communication Tips

"Communication works for those who work at it."

-John Powell

Contrasting

When we listen, we do more than hearing words. We interpret messages using nonverbal communication, intuition, observations and context. By using this additional information, we are able to have a deeper understanding of a message, or read between the lines. Sometimes the message may be misconstrued due to other factors (insecurity, signal misunderstandings, defensiveness, etc.). In these situations, the person sending the message can contrast to prevent misinterpretations or clear them up.

Contrasting is clarifying what the communicator is not saying. People can only interpret communication to an extent, and sometimes it becomes the speaker's task to let the other person know exactly what is not being implied. During a heated discussion, debate or argument, temperatures rise and emotions can easily come into play. When this happens, people have a tendency to make their own assumptions about what is being said. These assumptions can be made in other situations as well, regardless of emotion.

In order to know when to contrast, you must observe the other person's behavior and how they communicate. Unprovoked defensiveness, withdrawal, disagreement or similar social cues in response to your message may be a red flag. Think about what you have said, how it may cause that particular response, then communicate that you are not suggesting that.

This communication skill is one that may not seem like a necessity, therefore a hassle to put into use. However it is a skill that makes communication and social situations easier, and like any other communication skill it takes consistent application and practice.

"There are men who would quickly love each other if once they were speak to each other; for when they spoke they would discover that their souls had only separated by phantoms and delusions."

-Ernest Hello

5 Tips on Confronting Someone's Behavior

It is common to be irritated by someone’s behavior.  Whether or not the annoyance is intentional, the real problem arises when you must confront the person.  Informing someone of their annoying behavior can be uncomfortable for many, and possibly insulting to the receiving party.  Many avoid the situation completely, only escalating the frustration.  Approaching someone delicately about their behavior is very feasible, using the right tactics.

#1 Describe the Situation, Not What You Think

When you address the situation, do your best not to judge it.  You may think you know why the person is acting a certain way, but the truth is you do not know unless they tell you.  The person may be completely unaware of what they are doing.  If you describe what you think instead of what is actually happening, you are judging the situation and the person and not informing them of anything.  Stay objective, and tell them what you see happening, and let them see what you are seeing instead of what you are thinking.  Even if they are aware of what they are doing, hearing about it in an objective light may let them see how it affects others.

#2 Understand the Other Person

This can be very difficult, but extremely beneficial if accomplished.  If you can show compassion and understand the other person’s position and/or point of view, you will make a lot more progress to putting a stop to the behavior or finding a resolution.  Treat the person like a human being, listen to what they have to say, put yourself in their shoes.  This compassion will not only help you communicate calmly with the other person, it lowers their defenses and makes them more receptive.

#3 Keep Your Emotions at Bay

No one enjoys being yelled at.  Directing anger, annoyance or frustration on another person usually does not create an open space for communication.  Although we may have a strong desire to express the emotion we are feeling at the moment, stay focused on what you want the outcome to be.  You will not reach your desired outcome by targeting the other person.  You are more likely to resolve the situation by concentrating and expressing the result you are looking for.

#4 Prepare for Defensiveness

Defensiveness is common response to confrontation.  What you say may be interpreted incorrectly or it may be taken as an insult.  If the other person does become defensive, be patient, and do not take it personally.  Contrast and clarify what you are saying, and what you are not saying.  Make it clear that it is not a personal attack, just an observation and that you want a positive outcome for everyone involved.

#5 Accept and Move On   

Finding a resolution is not always achievable.  The other person may be unwilling to shift in their position, or may not understand what you are saying.  In this case accept that this is the person’s position, and that it has nothing to do with you.  This does not mean you have to like it or always tolerate it.  If the behavior is very inappropriate and disruptive, find another person who can help (a server in a restaurant, a manager at work, etc.).  When you accept the situation and the person, it becomes easier to objectively involve someone else.  You can explain the situation without blaming or insulting the other person, which makes the third party more inclined to assist you.

Confrontation can be unnerving for many people, both on the giving and receiving ends.  Telling someone their conduct is bothersome can end well when a true awareness is created.  A lack of understanding and acceptance is an easy way to instigate negative conflict. Resolutions can be reached by focusing on the situation and actions, and demonstrating compassion.

"Two monologues do not make a dialogue."

 - Jeff Daly

5 Tips on Working Well with a New Team

Forming a new team for a project, large task, or special assignment is an effective way for creating a different dynamic.  A group with people who have an assorted set of skills, backgrounds and knowledge can offer new ideas and discoveries that a group of similar individuals may not.  The same can be said about a team formed with staff from different departments.  Although these teams may be very productive, sometimes the diversity can become an obstacle to goal achievement.  The focus may shift from the task at hand to the conflict on the team.  Here are a few tips that can help a new team work together effectively.

#1 Look for Value

A team has the ability to produce new ideas from its diverse knowledge base that may not be produced otherwise.  Ideas are often ignored or harshly criticized in group settings when they are deemed useless.  This can be a problem because it alienates the person who provided the idea.  When someone repeatedly gets their ideas shot down, they lose their incentive to contribute. In addition, ideas that could be useful in the future are passed over.  Criticism is not difficult, finding something negative in an idea or opinion does not take much effort.  Finding the positive side of an idea that seems useless at first may require more thought, but can have a big payoff.  Out of the box ideas and originality comes from thinking that does not feel familiar or comfortable.  Be open to it.  Motivate participation by encouraging ideas and finding value whenever possible.

#2 Stay on Track

A team can easily stray off the team agenda due to personal agendas or lack of focus.  Ensure the entire team understands the goals of the group, and what needs to be done.  Going onto tangents can be beneficial in conception of new ideas, but can waste valuable time if the group wanders too far.  Being mindful of the team agenda can be a valuable time saver and can maintain the efficiency of the group. 

#3 Embrace Productive Conflict, Resolve Unnecessary Conflict

Conflict on a team may be useful in some situations.  Conflict can generate an abundance of ideas if it is embraced.  Guide arguments and disagreements into discussions.  Constructively building on different viewpoints encourages more opinions, ideas and knowledge which may help the team reach its goal.  Resolution to conflict that is unrelated to the project is essential to a team’s progress.  Identify conflict that is unrelated to the team’s goals and settle it when possible.  If it begins to take too much time from the rest of the group, put it aside and find a resolution outside the group.  Maintaining a positive morale and open communication vastly improves the team’s ability to work together. 

#4 Be Prepared

Learn as much as possible before joining a team for a new project.  You lose the respect of your teammates when you go in blind and make opinions based on minimal knowledge. Your input will be valued, you will have more confidence, and you will gain more respect from your team members when you are prepared for the project and knowledgeable about the subject.  If the information is not readily available before work has begun, stay attentive and learn what you can as the project progresses. 

#5 Encourage the Strengths of Others

Everyone will bring something different to a new team.  Utilizing the strengths and skills of the group will encourage productivity and boost morale.  Team members will work to their fullest potential, and feel good about making their contributions.  They will also receive the acknowledgement for the work they are doing.  Encouraging others can be complimenting useful ideas they have provided, expressing the value of an individual’s skill to the task at hand, or showing appreciation for a team member.  It is important to fix problems and strengthen weaknesses, but it is the team’s talents that will support overcoming obstacles.

A team is more likely to achieve success when the team itself is valued.  In addition to supporting the team as a whole, the team should appreciate what each individual has to offer.  Respect, understanding and awareness of the team members and their ideas will keep them motivated to reach the team goal.

"Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker.  When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand."

-Sue Patton Thoele

Interruptions

Interruptions can be annoying and frustrating.  They may not always be intentional, but can be irritating regardless.  Why do we interrupt?  We interject for a number of reasons.   One may be that we are not listening.  Instead of listening, many people are waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.  What they have to say is not as important as what we have to say and not worth listening to, so we cut them off. 

Another cause of this behavior is we think we know what they are going to say, so we decide to finish the thought for them, or disagree before they can finish.  Sometimes our intentions are not as inconsiderate.  We may interrupt because we get excited about something we want to include in the conversation and feel it cannot wait.  Whatever the reason, an interruption sends the message that we do not care about what the other person is saying and our opinion matters most.  Constantly sending this message is an easy way to kill a conversation.

There are ways to prevent this kind of behavior.  The key is truly listening.  If you are focused on what the other person is saying, you are less likely to interrupt because you are not thinking about what you have to say, you are thinking about what they are saying.  You will have more information to make your statement, or the question you would have interrupted with may be answered.  No one can read minds; you have no way of knowing what a person is going to say.  You may have a good idea, but it is no excuse for rude behavior.  You may meet someone who you may need to interrupt because they stray from the point, or take a bit too long to reach a point.  In this case, you can make a polite inquiry about their point.  Next time you feel an outburst, take a breath, be patient, and know that you will get your time to speak.

Talking and eloquence are not the same: to speak and to speak well are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks.

-Heinrich Heine

6 Tips on Receiving Feedback

Feedback can be a valuable tool in personal and professional development.  The opinions of others can give you insight into your own behavior that you may not know or find out on your own.  Although it is very useful, sometimes feedback can be difficult to hear, especially if it has not been requested, or an opinion you do not agree with.  Whether it comes from a co-worker or a friend, it is important to receive the feedback with composure.  A hostile response may damage the relationship.  If the intentions are sincere, you want to respond in a way that shows appreciation and that does not harm the relationship.

#1 Differentiate Feedback from Criticism

Feedback is not criticism.  Feedback can include comments that are positive, and comments that encourage improvement.  Criticism on the other hand has a negative connotation.  It is a judgment about what someone else thinks is wrong.  When someone does give you feedback, know it is not a judgment, simply a suggestion on what you have done well and where you can improve.  If you are criticized, the appropriate responses for feedback do not apply. The criticism may be intended for your benefit, it does not necessarily promote  improvement.

#2 Listen

When listening to feedback, be sure to take in the content of what the person is saying.  There is no need to think about why this person is sharing with you, as you know the purpose of feedback is to support your development.  Listening with that mindset can give you the opportunity to truly hear what the person is saying, and can keep you from judging the information before you hear it.  Listening does not mean agreeing, it just means you are actively taking in the information.

#3 Trust

Once you have made the distinction between the feedback and criticism, you must trust the other person.   Trust that they are not insulting or attacking you, and they are only trying to help.  You have the choice to disagree, but if you do not trust the person, and you receive feedback you do not like, you may react inappropriately, which can hurt the relationship.  This can be may be more difficult with someone you may not have a close relation with. If you have verified it is feedback and not criticism, you can trust the purpose of the feedback even if you do not completely know the person.

#4 Be Gracious

Always show gratitude for the feedback.  The giver has taken the time to think about how you can improve and has decided to share with you.  They should be thanked for their efforts.  If you do not agree, still thank them, regardless of what they say.  They have your best interests in mind.

#5 Stay Open

Being the receiver of feedback gives you an opportunity to learn new things about yourself.  If you are not open to the idea that there may be things about yourself you do not know, you may miss the opportunity to grow as a person.   Learning new things about yourself is an inevitable part of personal development, and being open to feedback can accelerate the process. 

#6 Be Honest with Yourself

Discovering new things about yourself can be a smooth process if you are already honest with yourself about who you are.  With this level of understanding in yourself, it will be easier to stay open to the feedback.  You will be able to discern what is true and what is not, and take in new information without defensiveness. 

Feedback is a tool that supports forward movement, and should be received with that in mind.  It gives you a rare opportunity to see yourself as others do, and presents unknown insight.  Responding properly can prevent any threats to a relationship and encourage more feedback, giving you more chances to grow.